Consequences

After writing on Privilege  and Discipline, I thought I would make this a three-part series. I think it is important to emphasize that discipline is teaching, not punishing. But to say 'discipline in love' is easy; remembering this when you are at your wit's end with a difficult child is hard. And sometimes, we as parents fall back on the only parenting techniques we know, what was modeled to us by our own parents. 


If your parents were not good disciplinarians, or you have no idea why they did what they did, then it is time to rethink discipline. When it comes to discipline in our family, the key word is 'consequence'. My husband and I tell our children that there is always a natural consequence for their actions; whether the consequence is good or bad depends on the action. The concept of action-reaction may be abstract at a young age, but children understand receiving a treat for good behavior. In the same way, they need to learn that some actions have a negative result: running into the street may mean getting hit by a car, throwing a ball in the house may mean breaking something, eating too much candy may mean a stomachache or a cavity.


But many actions have results that are not immediate, and many actions also have intangible results; for example, lying means losing someone's trust. Discipline is making the intangible consequences more tangible. It is teaching a child that there is a consequence for their action, which at their age may mean a swat or a loss if a privilege. As the child grows older and is able to comprehend more, the consequences will change. When one of our children does something bad or dangerous, my husband or I talk to the child about the natural consequences of his or her action and then choose a resulting consequence (a.k.a. punishment) that suits the action performed. If something was broken, the child pays for it. If the child was physically hurtful, the child needs a time out or loss of a toy, and must apologize. But we talk about the underlying reason for why we are disciplining the child, stressing on our job as parents to be stewards of what God has given us, that is, our children.