My Strong Son

One minute he's singing sweetly, the next he's upset because his pants are twisted. He can scream like a banshee for an hour, then stop suddenly like someone had just pushed the 'off' button.

And sometimes, I do wish there was an 'off' button. I wish I could put my almost-four-year-old in 'sleep' mode for a few minutes, because there are times when I don't know what else to do. The whole house is full of his screaming, the other children are tiptoeing around and quietly watching (and thinking 'Here we go again!'), and my son has only just begun. His temper is like a tornado; it only grows bigger and bigger until it dies down on its own.

My son was different from the day he was born. When he was frustrated with nursing, he would cry until he fell asleep. This of course caused concern when his weight started dropping. The pediatrician told me to pump and feed him with a bottle, but to not stop nursing. For a week, I would try to nurse, then feed my baby, then pump, just to do it again three hours later. And every time I tried to nurse him, my son cried and cried and wouldn't latch on. But when I offered him the bottle, he happily took it.

But I wouldn't give up. This was the only time I felt that my own stubbornness was a God-send. Finally, I figured out a way to make sure my son was getting nutrition without making it so easy: with an eye-dropper. When he started crying instead of nursing, I fed him milk from the eye-dropper. After a few squirts, I tried to nurse him again. It took less than one day of this method to teach my baby to nurse.

The common term for a child like my son is 'strong-willed'. Some people think the term has negative connotations (like 'retarded' or 'handicapped') but I think it describes my son perfectly. He is strong. He has only one working kidney, and that hasn't stopped him from climbing, running, and scootering everywhere. He is strong when it comes to knowing what he likes, and when it means playing or working independently. He is usually ready to try something new (especially if it looks fun.) He does not worry about what other people think (he likes to ask me to tie some of his hair up in two little pigtails, sticking straight up on top of his head. He calls them his 'dinkies' and he says he's an owl. He's gone everywhere with this hair style.) In the end, I don't think it matters what I call him (nor should I box him in with a definition). What is most important is how I handle the everyday conflicts that arise.

First, I prayed. I prayed for myself. I prayed for my son. I prayed when he was sleeping and serene. I prayed when he was in the midst of a tantrum and I was in need of wisdom. Don't stop praying.

Second, I had to pick my battles. When my son wanted only to wear the same two shirts and two shorts, I gave away the clothes he didn't like and allowed him to choose new clothes at the store (which is hard since I believe very much in hand-me-downs, but I had to put that aside). Now he dresses himself and we don't argue about it.

Third, I tried to avoid melt downs by making sure he is rested and fed. And sometimes, my son doesn't even know why he's angry. He might wake up from a nap, and scream until I figure out that he needs to go to the bathroom. So I know now the things to do (feed him, take him to the bathroom, hug him) to calm him down until he can communicate with me.

Fourth, I had to learn to stay calm. If my voice got louder, he only challenged me by screaming more. The angry tone in my voice was like fuel to the fire. Now, I stay firm without making the situation into an ordeal. If he doesn't want to eat the food in front on him, I don't yell or threaten. I let him choose to eat it or leave it. And when I do shout (at a busy intersection, for example), he knows to listen.

Fifth, I needed to know which form of discipline worked for my son. Spankings from me did nothing, timeouts were pointless, and reasoning with him was like walking in circles. But when I started taking away his toys (just for the rest of the day), he paid attention. Now, when he sees his box of cars go into the garage, he knows I mean business.

According to Cynthia Ulrich Tobias in her book You Can't Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded), it is not a child's strong will that makes him or her difficult. It is disobedience and stubbornness stemming from a innate sinful nature, and with God's grace, those character traits can be dealt with, while leaving the strong spirit intact. To sum up her tips in a nutshell, a strong-willed child doesn't want to be forced to do anything. The child will more willingly obey if he/she has some choice or control, and if he/she knows the reasons for the action. Also, the child longs for unconditional love. He/she doesn't want to hear that he/she is a trouble-maker or a mess-up. Without a good relationship, nothing a parent does will make a child listen.

And aren't these all good things for any child? Maybe it's easier having a child who obeys without questioning, but isn't it better to teach all children the reasons for doing things, and how to make decisions for themselves? The more I read from Cynthia's book, the more I thought, "This is what ALL my children need!" Because what I ultimately desire is a child who does the right thing, not because someone told him to do it, but because it is simply the right thing to do. And as my husband points out, just because a child is compliant when he/she is young, doesn't mean that he/she will follow in God's path when he/she is older.

It's been a rough four years, but my son and I have learned a lot from each other. I'm grateful that he does obey when we cross streets, even if he doesn't want to hold my hand every time. He's learning to share and clean up his toys. He has an amazing imagination and ear for music. His enthusiasm for life is unbridled, and his laughter is contagious. And he gives the best hugs and the sweetest 'I love you's. He has big emotions in a little body, and I want to teach him to understand his emotions, to respond appropriately and lovingly to people in all situations, and to use his strong will for God's kingdom.

As for myself, I am challenged to grow more in Christ's love and grace. When I fail and my children see the worst side of me, they learn that I am not perfect and that I too need forgiveness. And when they see me hold my son after one of his tantrums, they learn that there is love, grace and forgiveness for all of them. Which brings to mind one of my favorite verses, Lamentations 3:22-23.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

If you would like to learn more about strong-willed children, or how to be a better parent in general, I recommend Cynthia's book and these quick links:

Making Peace with Your Strong-Willed Child, by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias
Raising a Strong-Willed Child, from the blog 'The Educator's Spin on It'
Articles on Strong-Willed Children, by Dr. James Dobson
Healthy God-Esteem, by me

Healthy God-Esteem (Part 2), also by me

Training My Daughters in the Way They Should Go

Ever since the birth of my first daughter, I've been rehearsing conversations in my head of what I want to say someday to my little girl. And now that I have three little girls, and the oldest is getting closer everyday to becoming a teenager, those conversations are becoming a reality. We haven't had super-deep discussions yet, but there has been times when one of my girls would watch me put on make-up and I would tell her, "Someday, I will teach you." And that's the easy stuff, just the tip of the iceberg of what I need to talk to her about inner and outer beauty, dating and courting, homemaking and career... all the complications of being a Godly woman in an ungodly world.

It's a bit daunting, isn't it?

How I wish I have a model to fall back on. My own mother was caring and supportive to a degree, but mostly hands-off and silent about life lessons. As a pastor's daughter and typical 'good kid', everyone assumed I was in good hands. But there I was in high school and college, naive and in a fog, learning what I needed to know from magazines, books, peers, and television. By the grace of God, I didn't end up in a different place in my life. And by the grace of God, He sent me mentors in my twenties.

But I don't want that to happen to my daughters. There is no need for them to make the same mistakes I made (if I can help it) and what I teach them can save them from much heart break. During these past few years, I've been watching my female friends and their interactions with their moms. When I witness a beautiful, healthy, Godly mother/daughter relationship, I make it a point to ask that friend questions like "What do you two talk about?" "How involved was your mom in your life growing up?" "What is the most important thing you've learned or gained from your mom?"

And it was during one of these conversations that I heard about the book Girl Talk, by mother-daughter team Carolyn Mahaney and Nicole Mahaney Whitacre. This book was exactly what I was looking for. Using Titus 2 as its basis, this book stresses the why and how of training and teaching daughters in Biblical living. It is uniquely designed to be read with your daughter, and each chapter to be discussed thoroughly, so that communication between mother and daughter is open and honest and clear. Of course, some of the topics are more suited for teenage daughters, but there are chapters that help all moms turn their minds and hearts toward teaching their little girls, no matter what age. And Moms, it doesn't hurt to start thinking now about the social issues our daughters have to face. 

The following quote from the book is lengthy, but sums up the task of us moms today.

[The world wants] to silence the language of biblical womanhood forever. Their attacks are both brazen and subtle. While openly mocking our God-given language, they dress up their ungodly language as harmless, fun, and satisfying.

"Experts" tear down the mother-daughter relationship by implying that Mom is irrelevant and out of touch. They put forth peers and other counselors as more reliable sources of guidance and friendship.

Television, movies, and music promote promiscuity and immorality with tantalizing images and words. Condoms are freely distributed to young people. The message: Sex before marriage is normal; purity is impossible.

Magazines laud idleness, gossip, and vanity. "Learn a juicy secret;" "Indulge yourself;" "Follow your dreams," they prattle. Selflessness and good works get in the way of their agenda.

Authors blur and confuse the differences between men and women. They insist that a girl can do whatever a guy does and that our biological differences are irrelevant. Thus, femininity is emptied of its purpose and meaning.

The educational system prepares a young woman for every career except homemaking. Full-time wives and mothers are looked down upon as lazy underachievers. Honor and recognition are reserved for those who leave family responsibilities behind.

The beautiful model with her makeup, clothing, and jewelry proclaims that physical beauty is supreme. There is no praise for the gentle and quiet spirit.

Retail stores lay out a plethora of tight and skimpy clothing. The way to get attention, they promise, is to show off more skin. Modesty is portrayed as unattractive and pointless.

In all they say and do, there is no fear of God before their eyes.

The result is that for many young girls today, the language of biblical womanhood holds little appeal. The future of girl talk hangs in the balance.


If you are a mother and you have a daughter, I highly recommend this book, or talking to  women you respect about how they've been mentored. If you've never been mentored yourself, find an older Christian woman (meaning not necessarily older in age, but older as a Christian) and ask her to meet with you. And if you don't have a daughter, you can still pass on your Biblical knowledge by finding a young woman in your church to mentor. Take the first step in obedience, and start walking with someone in the way she should go!

The Little Things

Time plays funny tricks on us... whenever we are doing something we don't like, time drags on in the most torturous way, even before we start! Sometimes, I'm surprised when I look at the clock after finishing a task, and realize that the task only took me a few minutes to accomplish. So I compiled a short list of tasks that I would rather put off doing, then timed myself, just to know for sure how long it really takes for me to do them.

Washing the dinner dishes- 15 minutes

Changing the empty toilet paper roll for a new one (and this includes having to walk out of the bathroom to the hall closet because the bathroom cupboard is also empty)- 30 seconds

Writing a quick note, putting it in an envelope, licking the envelope, getting out the stamps, writing the addresses on the envelope, and putting it in the mailbox- 8 minutes

Writing this blog post- 10 minutes

Sometimes, the little things do matter. And in the end, someone else can be thankful for a new role of toilet paper, or a clean sink, or a letter in his/her mailbox, or-- a new blog post!

Chickens and Ducks

A few weeks ago, our garage door opener was broken, and the landlord called to tell us that a repairman would come and take a look. Around 1pm, my doorbell rang. The man at the door was eager to start working, but I told him that my landlord wanted to be here and that he was on his way. We went back and forth for a while, the repairman insisting that he could just fix the garage door and bill my landlord, while I insisted that he waited just a few minutes more. I was almost at my wits' end when my landlord arrived.

And that's when it began. 
In one corner, the garage door repairman. 
In the other corner, my landlord.
When I checked in on the repairman (who had the okay and was fixing the door), he whispered to me, "You didn't tell me your landlord was Indian! They are so difficult!" A few minutes later, my landlord said to me, "The price he's charging seems a little high. These guys, they're all the same. You never know if you can trust them." Next thing I knew, the repairman was telling me that laser sensor was broken, but that my landlord was most likely too cheap to get it fixed. I told him to talk to the landlord about it, but found out afterwards that the repairman had told my landlord that the sensor was acting normally.
When everyone finally left, I heaved a big sigh. The match was over, and I had played referee for an hour and a half. In the end, no one won, and I was left with a garage door that was only partially fixed.

The Chinese have a saying that goes something like this: Chickens are talking with ducks. (It sounds a lot wittier in Cantonese, believe me.) What it means is that communication is at a standstill because the two parties cannot see past their differences. The repairman and my landlord were both speaking English, but they were not communicating. Their prejudice had clouded their minds.

When I was in the fifth grade, I had several so-called friends suddenly decide that we weren't friends anymore. They chose to do this at a birthday party, and I clearly remember sitting on one side of the room with all the Asian girls, watching the birthday girl whisper things to the other non-Asian girls. We were so confused. I kept asking, "Was it something we did? Can we say 'sorry'?" But the only answer I got was a hushed, "It's because we're Asian." 

That was my first experience of 'being different'. I didn't understand it then, and I don't understand it now. Looking back, I can see the naiveté of the girls, who had probably overheard something their parents had said. But how can two adults, with one goal, still allow preconceived ideas to get in the way of the task at hand? 

This is more common than we realize, even within the Church. Do we allow ideas of culture, class, and appearance to blind us to the fact that God created us all in His image? Do we shut our ears and hear only clucks and quacks, rather than open our hearts to hear a person's words and thoughts? 

For Christians, we can't blame naiveté or upbringing. Let us bear in mind Paul's words in I Corinthians 12:12-13: For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body-- Jews or Greeks, slaves or free-- and all were made to drink of one Spirit.

Wife As God Intended

No, I did not come up with this title. My husband came over to me one day while I was typing away, and said, "Wife...", saw the computer screen, "... as God intended..." and I immediately grabbed onto the phrase.

And now is the perfect time to use it, because tomorrow, my husband and I celebrate 11 years of marriage! And I must say, it has been 11 years of the unexpected (a lay-off, two career changes, five children, and five moves) and the expected (his steadfastness and strength, his perseverance in his pursuit of God, and our ever-growing love, just to name a few).

But even with 11 years under our belt, it is good to take a refresher course in Marriage 101. With God's perfect timing, we started counseling an engaged couple two months ago. It has been a dream of ours to do premarital counseling ever since our own experience with Ben and Judy, and here we are, counseling for the first time! And it has been such a blessing to get to know this young couple, to openly discuss with them our own difficulties, joys, and lessons learned, and to grow in our own bond as we work together for a single goal.

The book we are using for the counseling is a book decided upon by our church, Preparing for Marriage, edited by Dennis Rainey and written by David Boehi, Brent Nelson, Jeff Schulte and Lloyd Shadrach. It is a  book based in scripture (as opposed to psychology or statistics), and designed not only for the engaged couple, but for anyone thinking about marriage in the near future. Early chapters cover topics such as personal history, God's design for marriage, and a decision-making guide. Later chapters are for those who have decided that, yes, God is calling us to be married, and covers communication, roles and responsibilities, money, and intimacy. There are also special sections for those thinking about marrying for a second time. What I like about this book is that it is a workbook more than a textbook, full of questions designed to stimulate conversation between the engaged persons and between the couple and the counselor(s). My favorite chapter so far is Chapter 6, "Roles and Responsibilites", and here is the reason why.

In Genesis 2:18, God says, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." Many people nowadays would read that and translate 'helper' as 'sidekick', or 'assistant', basically 'one who is inferior'. They would argue that this goes hand in hand with Ephesians 5:22, "Wives be subject to your own husbands..." and proves the Bible to be a book written by male-chauvinists.

But wait, looks at this! The word 'helper' is the same term used in Psalm 54:4 ("...God is my helper...") and John 14:26 ("...the helper, the Holy Spirit...") and Hebrews 13:6 ("... the Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid...") Wives are to be helpers as God is our helper-- what higher calling can there be? The role of a wife is to lift up her husband and sustain him. She is strong and virtuous, even when called to yield to her husband at times. And if a wife knows that her husband is seeking God's will for the family, and loving her as he loves himself, she can yield (or submit) to him with joy and trust. It would be easy to allow him to make the ultimate decision in even the most important aspects of life.

Which still does not mean that the husband is above the wife! God designed a very unique role for wives, which she can truly fulfill only if her husband fulfills his, the role of a servant-leader. If the husband is overbearing, the wife would become nothing but a footstool. If the husband is too passive, the wife would need to become the leader. In either case, the husband and wife are no longer working side-by-side. They have lost their equal standing with each other, and the marriage is off-balance.

Marriage is much more than 'being in love'. It is mutual respect, mutual care, and mutual sacrifice. For a wife, this means loving her husband as an individual and never talking negatively about him in front of others. It is encouraging her husband to lead by giving him the opportunity to do so, asking his opinions, and trusting his judgment. By being the wife God intended her to be, she helps her husband become the husband God intended him to be.

Making Disciples

So...

I didn't sign my kids up for VBS. 

Some may say that's un-Christian-like. Others wonder, "What's VBS?"

VBS is Vacation Bible School, a week-long day-camp offered by many churches during the summer time to encourage non-Christian parents to bring their children to church. And as far as I know, attending or NOT attending VBS is not a guarantee of my children's acceptance of Christ in their lives.

Yes, there are those whose testimony is meeting Jesus at VBS. But there are also those who know all the songs and stories and still reject Him in the end.

Here's my thinking:

1) If VBS is meant for reaching out, then my children should not go just because I need something to keep them busy for a few hours. If we invited non-Christian friends to attend, that would be a different story.

2) The lessons in VBS are often ones my children already know. They'll do crafts and sing songs and be with their friends, but is that the point? Wisdom tells me to be careful not to oversaturate my children with "Christian" things, and to preserve the sacredness of the Gospel by not making it all "fun-n-games".

I'm not putting down VBS completely. I've attended many various VBSs, and have directed a few of them myself. But what made me most excited when I was teaching in VBS was when I saw new children there, with their questions and wonder and need. So when the time comes (which translates to "when my youngest is not so mama-needy"), I would LOVE to help out in VBS. And I would LOVE my children to help out too. But for now, I want to be wise about raising my children in a Christian bubble. I have friends whose children travel with them from Israel, to France, to Jordan as missionaries, and know nothing about VBS, Awana, or Christian camps. And I have friends whose children attend one VBS after another, all summer long. Neither of them are wrong, but neither of them are right, either. There is no formula for raising children who love God. And in all I do, or don't do, I don't want to error on the presumption that surrounding my children with Christian things is enough.

I was reminded last night by Pastor Steve Madsen of Cornerstone Fellowship that Jesus commanded us to make disciples. For some, VBS is the first step of becoming a disciple, but continued growth into real discipleship must go beyond one week's worth of classroom interaction. It requires deeper teaching, one-on-one conversations, quality AND quantity time together. And the way I disciple my children is through home-schooling, living life together, and being a daily example of Christ to them (to the best of my ability), which also means making choices with a purpose. Tomorrow morning, my children and I will pray for the first day of our church's VBS, and if my children ask me, "Why don't we go to VBS?", I will not hesitate to tell them the reasons.

I will leave you with this quote to chew on. It is taken from an e-mail written by a wise and humble man, my husband, to the parents at our church.

I had a great conversation this week with one of the many wise women at VBC [our church]. She told me that she raised her children never to say that they had been "raised in a Christian home". Instead, she hoped they would say that they had "two believing parents". On reflection, what seems like a semantical difference has profound implications. A home can't be Christian. Even if it could, what does that actually mean? Parents, however, can be followers of Christ. It is important to impart to our children that God's grace to us comes in the context of relationship. It is not imparted by what goes on in a particular building. Offering our children ourselves as templates of faith (as shaky as we often are) encourages them to realize that they too must trust in the work of Christ's life, death, and resurrection.

My Twelve-Month Fast

Today marks the half-way point of my New Year's resolution to not buy any clothes for myself. I decided six months ago that my closet holds all that I need to get by for at least a year, and if something did come up (like I absolutely had to attend a dinner where everyone wears purple polk-dots), I could try to borrow something.

But joking aside, I knew that I didn't shop for necessity. Sometimes, I shopped with that excuse in mind ("Oh, I need a pair of beige canvas shoes to go with that skirt... my sandals just don't look right") but those were never true needs. Shopping for me had become a habit, stemming from the time when I was pregnant with my last child. I wanted change, stimulation, or excitement. I was bored, feeling low, and I needed a pick-me-up, something to make me feel pretty and new. I was looking for satisfaction.

So, the best solution was to fast from shopping. I have found that, like many things, when I take a break from something long enough, I often find that I don't "need" it like I used to. When I abstained from chocolate (which I did for every baby I had to prevent baby tummy pains), it took me only a few weeks to stop craving it. I never even think about drinking soda anymore. And so it has been with shopping. The first few months, I had to intentionally avoid certain stores or turn my head when passing by the sale signs. Now, I hardly think about it. Occasionally, I feel the pull to "just look", but no longer do I have that nervous feeling of "missing out on something". Trends and sales will come and go, and I will not be naked or even poorly dressed. And the level of my joy has not decreased in the least.

I should add that this doesn't mean I haven't gotten anything new. I've had several gifts of hand-me-downs from my sister and friends, and I gladly accepted them as blessings from God. There is a difference between receiving something unexpectedly and going out and buying it for yourself.

We long for value and substance in our lives, and yet we cling to things that are tangible, immediate, and satisfying only in the short run. Those things can be simple (coffee, sugar, chocolate), harmful (alcohol, nicotine, pornography), or substanstial (new technology, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a job). Some of those things aren't bad in themselves... it is about the intent of the heart. We renew ourselves on the outside, rather than the inside. We store up our treasures on earth, instead of our treasures in heaven. We seek approval and attention from the world, when we should be seeking God. And so often, for women especially, we don't see how we substitute shopping for God. 

I've learned so much in the past few years about what I Timothy 2:9-10 means by "...women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire..." If you are interested in learning more, click on 'beauty' under 'read by topic...' (to your right), or click on the links below to read past posts.

Screwtape Comes A-calling
On Modesty and My Wardrobe
More on Modesty
The Last Word on Modesty