Wife As God Intended

No, I did not come up with this title. My husband came over to me one day while I was typing away, and said, "Wife...", saw the computer screen, "... as God intended..." and I immediately grabbed onto the phrase.

And now is the perfect time to use it, because tomorrow, my husband and I celebrate 11 years of marriage! And I must say, it has been 11 years of the unexpected (a lay-off, two career changes, five children, and five moves) and the expected (his steadfastness and strength, his perseverance in his pursuit of God, and our ever-growing love, just to name a few).

But even with 11 years under our belt, it is good to take a refresher course in Marriage 101. With God's perfect timing, we started counseling an engaged couple two months ago. It has been a dream of ours to do premarital counseling ever since our own experience with Ben and Judy, and here we are, counseling for the first time! And it has been such a blessing to get to know this young couple, to openly discuss with them our own difficulties, joys, and lessons learned, and to grow in our own bond as we work together for a single goal.

The book we are using for the counseling is a book decided upon by our church, Preparing for Marriage, edited by Dennis Rainey and written by David Boehi, Brent Nelson, Jeff Schulte and Lloyd Shadrach. It is a  book based in scripture (as opposed to psychology or statistics), and designed not only for the engaged couple, but for anyone thinking about marriage in the near future. Early chapters cover topics such as personal history, God's design for marriage, and a decision-making guide. Later chapters are for those who have decided that, yes, God is calling us to be married, and covers communication, roles and responsibilities, money, and intimacy. There are also special sections for those thinking about marrying for a second time. What I like about this book is that it is a workbook more than a textbook, full of questions designed to stimulate conversation between the engaged persons and between the couple and the counselor(s). My favorite chapter so far is Chapter 6, "Roles and Responsibilites", and here is the reason why.

In Genesis 2:18, God says, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." Many people nowadays would read that and translate 'helper' as 'sidekick', or 'assistant', basically 'one who is inferior'. They would argue that this goes hand in hand with Ephesians 5:22, "Wives be subject to your own husbands..." and proves the Bible to be a book written by male-chauvinists.

But wait, looks at this! The word 'helper' is the same term used in Psalm 54:4 ("...God is my helper...") and John 14:26 ("...the helper, the Holy Spirit...") and Hebrews 13:6 ("... the Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid...") Wives are to be helpers as God is our helper-- what higher calling can there be? The role of a wife is to lift up her husband and sustain him. She is strong and virtuous, even when called to yield to her husband at times. And if a wife knows that her husband is seeking God's will for the family, and loving her as he loves himself, she can yield (or submit) to him with joy and trust. It would be easy to allow him to make the ultimate decision in even the most important aspects of life.

Which still does not mean that the husband is above the wife! God designed a very unique role for wives, which she can truly fulfill only if her husband fulfills his, the role of a servant-leader. If the husband is overbearing, the wife would become nothing but a footstool. If the husband is too passive, the wife would need to become the leader. In either case, the husband and wife are no longer working side-by-side. They have lost their equal standing with each other, and the marriage is off-balance.

Marriage is much more than 'being in love'. It is mutual respect, mutual care, and mutual sacrifice. For a wife, this means loving her husband as an individual and never talking negatively about him in front of others. It is encouraging her husband to lead by giving him the opportunity to do so, asking his opinions, and trusting his judgment. By being the wife God intended her to be, she helps her husband become the husband God intended him to be.