My Strong Son

One minute he's singing sweetly, the next he's upset because his pants are twisted. He can scream like a banshee for an hour, then stop suddenly like someone had just pushed the 'off' button.

And sometimes, I do wish there was an 'off' button. I wish I could put my almost-four-year-old in 'sleep' mode for a few minutes, because there are times when I don't know what else to do. The whole house is full of his screaming, the other children are tiptoeing around and quietly watching (and thinking 'Here we go again!'), and my son has only just begun. His temper is like a tornado; it only grows bigger and bigger until it dies down on its own.

My son was different from the day he was born. When he was frustrated with nursing, he would cry until he fell asleep. This of course caused concern when his weight started dropping. The pediatrician told me to pump and feed him with a bottle, but to not stop nursing. For a week, I would try to nurse, then feed my baby, then pump, just to do it again three hours later. And every time I tried to nurse him, my son cried and cried and wouldn't latch on. But when I offered him the bottle, he happily took it.

But I wouldn't give up. This was the only time I felt that my own stubbornness was a God-send. Finally, I figured out a way to make sure my son was getting nutrition without making it so easy: with an eye-dropper. When he started crying instead of nursing, I fed him milk from the eye-dropper. After a few squirts, I tried to nurse him again. It took less than one day of this method to teach my baby to nurse.

The common term for a child like my son is 'strong-willed'. Some people think the term has negative connotations (like 'retarded' or 'handicapped') but I think it describes my son perfectly. He is strong. He has only one working kidney, and that hasn't stopped him from climbing, running, and scootering everywhere. He is strong when it comes to knowing what he likes, and when it means playing or working independently. He is usually ready to try something new (especially if it looks fun.) He does not worry about what other people think (he likes to ask me to tie some of his hair up in two little pigtails, sticking straight up on top of his head. He calls them his 'dinkies' and he says he's an owl. He's gone everywhere with this hair style.) In the end, I don't think it matters what I call him (nor should I box him in with a definition). What is most important is how I handle the everyday conflicts that arise.

First, I prayed. I prayed for myself. I prayed for my son. I prayed when he was sleeping and serene. I prayed when he was in the midst of a tantrum and I was in need of wisdom. Don't stop praying.

Second, I had to pick my battles. When my son wanted only to wear the same two shirts and two shorts, I gave away the clothes he didn't like and allowed him to choose new clothes at the store (which is hard since I believe very much in hand-me-downs, but I had to put that aside). Now he dresses himself and we don't argue about it.

Third, I tried to avoid melt downs by making sure he is rested and fed. And sometimes, my son doesn't even know why he's angry. He might wake up from a nap, and scream until I figure out that he needs to go to the bathroom. So I know now the things to do (feed him, take him to the bathroom, hug him) to calm him down until he can communicate with me.

Fourth, I had to learn to stay calm. If my voice got louder, he only challenged me by screaming more. The angry tone in my voice was like fuel to the fire. Now, I stay firm without making the situation into an ordeal. If he doesn't want to eat the food in front on him, I don't yell or threaten. I let him choose to eat it or leave it. And when I do shout (at a busy intersection, for example), he knows to listen.

Fifth, I needed to know which form of discipline worked for my son. Spankings from me did nothing, timeouts were pointless, and reasoning with him was like walking in circles. But when I started taking away his toys (just for the rest of the day), he paid attention. Now, when he sees his box of cars go into the garage, he knows I mean business.

According to Cynthia Ulrich Tobias in her book You Can't Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded), it is not a child's strong will that makes him or her difficult. It is disobedience and stubbornness stemming from a innate sinful nature, and with God's grace, those character traits can be dealt with, while leaving the strong spirit intact. To sum up her tips in a nutshell, a strong-willed child doesn't want to be forced to do anything. The child will more willingly obey if he/she has some choice or control, and if he/she knows the reasons for the action. Also, the child longs for unconditional love. He/she doesn't want to hear that he/she is a trouble-maker or a mess-up. Without a good relationship, nothing a parent does will make a child listen.

And aren't these all good things for any child? Maybe it's easier having a child who obeys without questioning, but isn't it better to teach all children the reasons for doing things, and how to make decisions for themselves? The more I read from Cynthia's book, the more I thought, "This is what ALL my children need!" Because what I ultimately desire is a child who does the right thing, not because someone told him to do it, but because it is simply the right thing to do. And as my husband points out, just because a child is compliant when he/she is young, doesn't mean that he/she will follow in God's path when he/she is older.

It's been a rough four years, but my son and I have learned a lot from each other. I'm grateful that he does obey when we cross streets, even if he doesn't want to hold my hand every time. He's learning to share and clean up his toys. He has an amazing imagination and ear for music. His enthusiasm for life is unbridled, and his laughter is contagious. And he gives the best hugs and the sweetest 'I love you's. He has big emotions in a little body, and I want to teach him to understand his emotions, to respond appropriately and lovingly to people in all situations, and to use his strong will for God's kingdom.

As for myself, I am challenged to grow more in Christ's love and grace. When I fail and my children see the worst side of me, they learn that I am not perfect and that I too need forgiveness. And when they see me hold my son after one of his tantrums, they learn that there is love, grace and forgiveness for all of them. Which brings to mind one of my favorite verses, Lamentations 3:22-23.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

If you would like to learn more about strong-willed children, or how to be a better parent in general, I recommend Cynthia's book and these quick links:

Making Peace with Your Strong-Willed Child, by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias
Raising a Strong-Willed Child, from the blog 'The Educator's Spin on It'
Articles on Strong-Willed Children, by Dr. James Dobson
Healthy God-Esteem, by me

Healthy God-Esteem (Part 2), also by me