The girl looks in the mirror
Brushes her hair
Puts on some lipstick
And fakes a smile
But nothing she does
Can change her face
Or the fact that she is
Her mother's daughter
Last year, I wrote an ode to my mother-in-law for Mother's Day. At the time, I felt compelled to write it because of our culture's negative view of mothers-in-law. But I do know that many people (particularly women) have difficult (and more painful) relationships with their mothers as well. And so this year, I chose to write about my own mom.
First, I wouldn't say that my relationship with my mom is gut-wrenchingly difficult. In many ways, my mother and I are very similar. My generous heart and love for animals and singing comes from her. And my looks. Growing up, I always heard, "You look just like your mother!" Of course, I hated it. But maybe that's because I also inherited my stubbornness and quick temper from her.
And of course, two stubborn and quick-tempered people in the same house will have their share of disagreements. Also, we differed in our outlooks on life. I'm impulsive, a bit daring, and crave small adventures (though I've mellowed out since having five kids). My mom is fearful and doesn't like to try new things. Also, I desire openness and honesty. I like to ask questions and get answers. But my mother is very quiet, private, and reserved. She would say it's because she was raised Chinese and I was raised more American, but I think this is also very much a part of my personality. And so, throughout my childhood, when I needed someone to talk to, I couldn't always go to my mother. While I would want to discuss a situation, she would avoid the confrontation.
When I was young, I didn't understand this. It seemed to me that her unwillingness to talk was a sign that she didn't love me. Her busy schedule (she was a full-time mother-of-three and pastor's wife and worked part-time) and our tight budget meant we didn't go out often, plan big vacations, or have elaborate holiday or birthday celebrations. In my desire for a deeper relationship with my mom, I became envious of other girls who had big parties and a mom who did things with them. Our relationship grew distant, to the point that we wouldn't talk unless we had to. When I started college, it became even easier to go for days without talking to her, though I was living at home at the time.
Now, as I've aged (and become a mother myself), I see more and more with open eyes. I see a woman who left her family and moved to a completely different country to serve God and the man she loved. I see a woman who received masters degrees in library science and Chinese history, but worked as a nanny, a maid, and a preschool teacher to help make ends meet. I see a woman who was timid, but did what she could to overcome that. She never would tell me about it, but I would see the books she was reading lying on the counter. She wasn't one who craved adventure, but adventure found her nonetheless, and she didn't choose to run away.
And lastly (and this is where I admire my mom the most), I see a woman who felt like a fish out of water because of her Chinese mannerisms and imperfect English, but chose to make the most of it in a foreign country for the sake of her family. In February, when I spoke at the women's tea at my church, my mother came. She doesn't drink tea (which sounds very non-Chinese, but tea now keeps her up at night), she doesn't eat sweets, she hates frou-frou parties, and she especially hates sitting at a table with a bunch of English-speaking strangers, but she came anyway. She is growing in courage and faith, and though I didn't want to be a copy of my mother when I was young, I want to mimic her now in this way.
I still long for a closer relationship with my mother, but I can't put on all the blame on my mom; it will take more effort on my part. The easy route is to tell myself, "Well, if she doesn't make the effort, why should I?" I've slipped into the habit of being superficial with her, but I know that it doesn't have to be that way. Just as we are both growing in courage and faith, our relationship can grow, even if it is in tiny increments. With God's help, our relationship can blossom into something new.
As before, I will not attempt to offer advice on how to "fix" your relationship with your mother, because, though there are similarities, mother/daughter relationships are as different as shells on a beach. I will offer these words from the Bible, the same words I offered in my post about my mother-in-law:
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. ~Ephesians 4:2-3 (NIV)
And also, remember that the Bible commands us to honor our parents. It may be difficult for you to respect your mother, or obey your mother, or to even be in the same room as your mother, but God did put her in your life in a maternal role. Why He did so may be a mystery to you, but it is no mystery to Him. Pray that God will open your eyes and reveal that mystery to you. And this year's Mother's Day can be the beginning of something new between you and your mom.
First, I wouldn't say that my relationship with my mom is gut-wrenchingly difficult. In many ways, my mother and I are very similar. My generous heart and love for animals and singing comes from her. And my looks. Growing up, I always heard, "You look just like your mother!" Of course, I hated it. But maybe that's because I also inherited my stubbornness and quick temper from her.
And of course, two stubborn and quick-tempered people in the same house will have their share of disagreements. Also, we differed in our outlooks on life. I'm impulsive, a bit daring, and crave small adventures (though I've mellowed out since having five kids). My mom is fearful and doesn't like to try new things. Also, I desire openness and honesty. I like to ask questions and get answers. But my mother is very quiet, private, and reserved. She would say it's because she was raised Chinese and I was raised more American, but I think this is also very much a part of my personality. And so, throughout my childhood, when I needed someone to talk to, I couldn't always go to my mother. While I would want to discuss a situation, she would avoid the confrontation.
When I was young, I didn't understand this. It seemed to me that her unwillingness to talk was a sign that she didn't love me. Her busy schedule (she was a full-time mother-of-three and pastor's wife and worked part-time) and our tight budget meant we didn't go out often, plan big vacations, or have elaborate holiday or birthday celebrations. In my desire for a deeper relationship with my mom, I became envious of other girls who had big parties and a mom who did things with them. Our relationship grew distant, to the point that we wouldn't talk unless we had to. When I started college, it became even easier to go for days without talking to her, though I was living at home at the time.
Now, as I've aged (and become a mother myself), I see more and more with open eyes. I see a woman who left her family and moved to a completely different country to serve God and the man she loved. I see a woman who received masters degrees in library science and Chinese history, but worked as a nanny, a maid, and a preschool teacher to help make ends meet. I see a woman who was timid, but did what she could to overcome that. She never would tell me about it, but I would see the books she was reading lying on the counter. She wasn't one who craved adventure, but adventure found her nonetheless, and she didn't choose to run away.
And lastly (and this is where I admire my mom the most), I see a woman who felt like a fish out of water because of her Chinese mannerisms and imperfect English, but chose to make the most of it in a foreign country for the sake of her family. In February, when I spoke at the women's tea at my church, my mother came. She doesn't drink tea (which sounds very non-Chinese, but tea now keeps her up at night), she doesn't eat sweets, she hates frou-frou parties, and she especially hates sitting at a table with a bunch of English-speaking strangers, but she came anyway. She is growing in courage and faith, and though I didn't want to be a copy of my mother when I was young, I want to mimic her now in this way.
I still long for a closer relationship with my mother, but I can't put on all the blame on my mom; it will take more effort on my part. The easy route is to tell myself, "Well, if she doesn't make the effort, why should I?" I've slipped into the habit of being superficial with her, but I know that it doesn't have to be that way. Just as we are both growing in courage and faith, our relationship can grow, even if it is in tiny increments. With God's help, our relationship can blossom into something new.
As before, I will not attempt to offer advice on how to "fix" your relationship with your mother, because, though there are similarities, mother/daughter relationships are as different as shells on a beach. I will offer these words from the Bible, the same words I offered in my post about my mother-in-law:
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. ~Ephesians 4:2-3 (NIV)
And also, remember that the Bible commands us to honor our parents. It may be difficult for you to respect your mother, or obey your mother, or to even be in the same room as your mother, but God did put her in your life in a maternal role. Why He did so may be a mystery to you, but it is no mystery to Him. Pray that God will open your eyes and reveal that mystery to you. And this year's Mother's Day can be the beginning of something new between you and your mom.
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