Sharing the Deepest Part of You

I'm wrapping up July with a marriage topic that piggy-backs on the last post. Of course, it is good to ask your spouse questions like "What is your favorite meal?", but as Christians, we can go deeper than couples on 'The Newly-Wed Game'. 

I'm talking about spiritual conversations.

Several years back, I was leading a MOPs summer book study (the book we read was Creating an Intimate Marriage, by Jim Burns). We had gone through the chapters on affection, communication, and forgiveness, and I was eagerly anticipating the upcoming chapter on connecting with your husband on a spiritual level.

"How often do you and your husband talk about what God is teaching you?" I asked the women in the circle.

"Um… uh…"

The room was quieter than when we discussed the chapter on intimacy.

"Do you talk about the sermon on the way home? Do you pray together? or study the Bible together? or talk over dinner about how you are growing?"

"No…" the women answered. 

I was shocked. These were Christian women, married to Christian men, and I had assumed that they, like me, would share the deepest part of themselves with their spouses. But what I learned that day is that many people are not comfortable with that. Maybe it wasn't modeled for them. They either grew up with non-believing parents, or they were in a 'Christian home', but don't recall ever listening to their parents talk about God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit. Some Christians would even say that their Christian parents strove to put on a good face in front of their children, so any talk of spiritual growth was avoided. And in general, many people believe that a person's spiritual life is an individual matter.

I started wondering how many Christian marriages are similar to the ones represented in the room. These women had also admitted that they feel their husband is a 'good friend' or 'roommate', but not their 'best friend'. I would go out on a limb and say that until they are able to have spiritual conversations with their husband, they will not feel like their husband is their best friend. If you can't share your soul with your spouse, how can the two of you truly know each other? How can you grow closer, when there is a part of you that is never revealed?

So, for you married couples out there, my challenge to you, if you don't already do so, is to begin sharing the most vulnerable, most humble, most intimate part of yourself with your spouse. If you are in a couple's Bible study, that's a good start. But being in a study together doesn't always mean you are sharing with each other. If you aren't comfortable sharing with each other at home, most likely you will not be MORE comfortable sharing in a group setting. Try praying together before going to bed. Take communion together. Study the Bible, just the two of you, using a couple's devotional if needed. Ask each other, "What is God revealing to you right now?" 

Husbands, take the lead on this. Oftentimes, it is easier for women to share their thoughts and feelings, but YOU can be the one to initiate a spiritual conversation by humbly sharing what God has been teaching you. You may feel vulnerable doing this, as there is always a fear that the other person will judge, mock, or disrespect you, but this is one way to share God's truth, honor God's power in your life, AND lead your family.

Wives, set the tone for these discussions by gently asking questions and listening to your husbands with an open heart. Many men don't feel confident enough to lead and are embarrassed about sharing their weaknesses. You can affirm him by letting him lead in this, and encouraging him in his spiritual growth. Remind him that you still respect him when he admits his shortcomings and need for grace and growth. Ask him how you can pray for him in the workplace, in the church, and in your family. 

Even if it feels awkward, start with baby steps and cultivate this new habit. With time, you and your spouse will find yourselves growing closer to God and each other. And this will reflect on your relationships with your children, your parents, your friends, and your church family in ways you can never imagine!

Our Anniversary Celebration

My husband and I had talked about how we should celebrate our twelfth anniversary. We had tossed around the usual ideas of going away for the day, catching a movie, or having an intimate dinner, just the two of us. We ended up doing none of those things.

What we did instead may seem a bit unconventional to some people. We DID go out to dinner, but with a young dating couple who were asking about premarital counseling (before engagement-- how wise!). Then we went home and shared dessert with another couple and their daughter, while playing games and chatting.

Not once during the day were we alone, focusing solely on each other. My husband didn't buy me flowers, or a gift, or even a card. But that's because he knows me. He knows that my favorite thing is to be with him, living life, celebrating with other people and building relationships.

And it was actually the perfect way of ending a tiring but fun week of Vacation Bible School at our church. For the first time, I volunteered to help, mainly because my husband was in charge of the music and asked me to play in the 'band'. Our oldest son also agreed to play the drums, so the three of us (with a fourth person on bass) led the children in songs throughout the week. For five days, from 8am to 12pm, I served with my husband at the church, and I couldn't have been happier. I loved watching him engage the children and get silly on stage. I loved seeing his passion for music and God's Word shine through him until everyone in the room was swept up in it. The children left everyday singing the songs they learned. We would hear their sweet voices echo through the rooms, and it warmed our hearts to know that the teaching in the songs was sticking. And it all confirmed the reasons why I had married this man twelve years ago. He had a servant-leader's heart then, and that heart has only grown bigger since.

So, I feel that, in a way, we celebrated our anniversary over the course of six days! We did do a fun activity to mark the beginning of our thirteenth year together, and it is one that I suggest to you for your next date night or anniversary. Our friends had given us a list of questions to ask each other. The questions were from back when they were engaged, and they had recently dug up the questions to ask again for their eighth anniversary. You can make a game out of them (try to guess your spouse's answer before he/she gives it to you), or just ask in a conversational manner. Remember that the point is to become the 'world's leading expert' on your spouse, with the understanding that even after ten+ years of being together, people change. You might be surprised by some of the answers your spouse gives you!

Here are some the questions:

- If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

- What is your favorite book?

- What is your favorite book of the Bible?

- What is your favorite physical feature of your spouse?

- Who do you admire?

- If you could meet one person, dead or alive, who would it be?

- What is your pet peeve?

- What is your pet peeve about your spouse?

(For more on becoming the 'world's leading expert' on your spouse, or for more questions to ask each other, click here: World's Leading Expert)

More on Marriage

We just wrapped up a busy week of VBS at the church! As I recover and work on my next blog post, I'd like to share something from a 'guest' blogger.

I was 'checking in' on Misty and the Zeller family the other day to see if there were any updates on their health, and this is what I read…

He was 103. She was 101. And they were celebrating 80 years of marriage when I found them…

How perfect for my month's topic of marriage! I've already mentioned how much I think everyone should read Misty's blog. She and her family have lost so much, suffered so much, hurt so much, and yet, yet, they still praise God's name. And even in the light of what they are going through, Misty can still celebrate her journey with her husband, the past eight years, and how much they lean on God despite all of that!

To read more of Misty's story and wisdom on marriage, here is the link to her blog post from May 28th, 2014: Eight and Eighty

Motorcycle… Minivan

In light of my wedding anniversary being in the month of July, I've decided to devote this month's posts to the subject of marriage, this being the third…

I've never ridden a motorcycle. I don't really like them. They just don't look very safe to me, especially when they whiz by me at 80 miles per hour on the freeway. But there is a certain appeal of a motorcycle-- not of speed, but of freedom. It's the thought of not needing to follow a schedule, not having to carry around a big, bulky diaper bag, not keeping boxes and boxes of homeschool paper work in the garage.

So when I see motorcycles on the road, I take notice. Then I imagine (unrealistically) what life would be like without dishes to wash and taxes to pay. And I imagine what life will be like for me and my husband when the children are grown and gone-- will be downsize to a tiny house? ride Vespas around town? travel in an RV across the United States? On my most days, I can't even imagine the future, and that's because part of me wouldn't trade my life now for any in the world. As tiresome as it is to raise five (almost six) children, this is part of the adventure with my husband. When I said "I do" twelve years ago, I said "I do" to whatever came our way, which included any illnesses, any job changes, and any periods of depression or uncertainty. The "I do" may mean a different occupation five years from now, or a total change of scenery ten years from now, or… well, God only knows.

Here are the lyrics to the second new song I wanted to share with you. This one was not a collaborative project, but I wrote it with my husband in mind. He did give it its title, 'Motorcycle', because the motorcycle represents what our married life is all about-- the thrill of our adventure together.

Sometimes I feel like driving into the sunset

Throwing it all into the sea

I’d let me hair down, you could ditch the suit and tie

Watch papers fly away like birds in the breeze

And we could ride, ride, ride our motorcycle 

Wherever we please

But... most days I’m spinning my plates and juggling children

A three-ring circus in our home

And you’re the tent, and the poles, and the ropes, and the ringmaster,

In charge of our humble abode

And when we pack up and go, we don’t always know

Where we’re headed with our caravan

But we can drive, drive, drive our minivan,

You and me

Either way, I don’t care 

As long as I’m traveling with you

Fast or slow, I want to go 

On this adventure 

Just us two (plus two plus two plus two)

Either way, I don’t care

I want to travel this road with you

Fast or slow, I will follow 

Whichever path, whatever the view

And we can ride, ride, ride our motorcycle

We can drive, drive, drive our minivan

We can go, go, go anywhere 

Me and you

Making Beautiful Music

In light of my wedding anniversary being in the month of July, I've decided to devote this month's posts to the subject of marriage, this being the second…


I was listening to a CD of the first performance my husband and I ever did together. This was before we were dating, before we were even on each other's radar as potential spouses! and it was interesting for me to compare our musicianship at that time to what it has become now.

The music wasn't bad, but I was still very timid about my playing, so timid that I was barely audible on the recording. Then when I started singing, my voice did not always blend with my not-yet-husband's, and there were times when I didn't follow his lead. We were essentially singing together, but not together, if that makes sense. We weren't in sync (and I don't mean the 'boy group')-- not complementing each other the way we should have.

Fast forward thirteen years! Both my husband and I have grown tremendously, as musicians, as friends, and as brother and sister in Christ. And I love how music (like gardening) is such a perfect analogy for that growth! Working together towards a common goal, taking turns to let the other shine, being sensitive to listen, follow, and not overpower… if we want our music (and marriage) to be beautiful, we have to be in harmony with each other. It involves a great amount of trust, some sacrifice, and never-ending thoughtfulness, and it also involves each of us contributing our unique talents and personalities to the mix.

So, I want to share with you the lyrics to two of our new songs. These songs will make their grand debut in August, and as excited as I am to share it with people, it was the process of writing them with my husband that has excited me more! This first song, titled 'Tandem Bicycle', was conceived in my head one day as I was driving and saw a couple ride by on a bicycle built for two. And though we've never ridden a tandem bicycle, I knew that success on one involved communication, coordination, and cooperation on the part of both riders (again, another great analogy for marriage!) So I started writing the lyrics, then grabbed my husband, who wrote more lyrics and the melody. I filled in with harmonies and a fun piano part, and voila! Here it is! The first song we've written together in thirteen years!

We go riding out beneath a bluebird sky

Under cotton candy cloud we go racing by

Smiling wide we wave to every single person that we meet

The day stretches out before us and we roll down the street

On our tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two)

Tandem bicycle (up and down, me with you)

Tandem bicycle (four legs in rhythm on a sunny day)

Tandem bicycle (bicycle, we're off and on our way)

Soaring along, we're going strong hair waving in the breeze

What could be better than to share the road together beneath a canopy of trees

Customize with two tires and four pedals under feet

Navigating bumps in the road, I've got your back when you're in the driver's seat

On our tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two)

Tandem bicycle (up and down, me with you)

Tandem bicycle (four legs in rhythm on a sunny day)

Tandem bicycle (bicycle, we're off and on our way)

Daisy, diasy, give me your answer do!

I'm half crazy, all for the love of you!

It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage

But you'll look sweet upon the seat of a tandem bicycle

On our tandem bicycle-- I'll be the pilot (I'll be the navigator)

Tandem bicycle-- I'll steer the horses (I'll ride shot gun)

Tandem bicycle-- I'll sing the melody (I'll harmonize with you)

On our tandem bicycle

(and if you are a bit confused by the 'Daisy, daisy…' part in the middle, it comes from a very old song called 'Bicycle Built for Two')

Marriage is a Privilege

My wedding anniversary is approaching! Twelve years! I would never trade those twelve years for any in the world!

With all those exclamation points, you're probably thinking that I'm some kind of crazy fanatic about marriage. Or a wide-eyed innocent who lives in a rosy bubble and is blind to the hardships of life and difficulties of marriage.

No, the past twelve years were not always the easiest or the happiest. Marriage added a new dimension to my life that involved more sharing, more self-sacrifice, and more effort  on my part. We moved five times, we gained five kids, we went through unemployment and low financial times, and heartbreak within our family and church community. But through my husband and our marriage, I have found a strength that comes from having a constant friend to lean on. Through our trials, I have learned to be more trusting, in God and in my husband. Through our work together, I have become more aware of the person God created me to be. And through my failures, I have been touched by mercy. I have grown in my understanding of God's love and grace in ways that I never would have had I been single. 

To my dear husband, it has been a privilege.

Now let me briefly tell you how much I like the word 'privilege'. On my list of favorite words, it is near the top with 'enthusiasm'. Privilege comes from the Latin word privilegium, which is composed of two words meaning 'private' and 'law'. It was used when an individual received special legal rights. Of course, I'm not using the term to mean that I have special legal rights as my husband's wife, but my position has allowed me certain exclusive freedoms. I am in a unique and honored position.

And not to get off topic (but I will just a little), here is some food for thought:

Marriage is a privilege.
Words are a privilege.
Friendship is a privilege.
Confession (to God) is a privilege.
Worship (to God) is a privilege.

Okay, back to my dear husband.

It has been a privilege to serve beside you. It has been a privilege to see you grow as a man of God. It has been a privilege to follow your lead. It has been a privilege to build a home and family with you. It has been a privilege to love you. It has been a privilege to be loved by you.