I have high ambitions for my children (who doesn't?). If we could, we would take classes in dance, horse-back riding, art, choir, French, Chinese, swimming, piano, gymnastics, tae-kwan-do, archery, and fencing (just because).
But of course, we can't do all those things. Our money budget won't allow it. Neither would our time budget. If I try to schedule classes for six children, I will find myself doing nothing more than chauffeuring them from place to place. The number of things we do outside of the home is very limited.
Still, I had to make a tough decision this year. After directing our church's children's choir for three years, I told our music pastor that I needed a break. This was as much of a surprise to me as it was to him. I'm a person who does everything 110%. I don't start something unless I can finish it. To say I need a break is equal to saying I've failed. I feel like I've failed my children (who sing in the choir) AND my church family.
But I realized too that if I give 110% to the choir, I cannot give 110% to mothering. After surviving a crazy week with six sick children (trying saying that three times) and helping at or hosting a number of events, I thought about my time budget and knew that I was getting dangerously close to bankrupt. And the things I needed to do for children's choir was still at the top of my to-do list.
I was so fatigued at that point, I could barely think. I kept telling myself to do what I did in the past: hope for better sleep and push through by going into robot mode (highly efficient, but basically heartless). Then, in a moment of clarity, I caught a glimpse of my future. What will life look like when school starts? Will my children someday tell me, "Mom, I wish you did more with us." Will I be so caught up in "doing" and striving for my high ambitions that I forget WHY I'm doing these things? I have two middle schoolers this year. What if they need to talk? Will I tell them, "Later… later…" I have a feisty one-year-old. What if he gets into trouble? Will I be stressed out and yelling at my children? And the children in the middle? When can I sit with them and read, or play games, or just cuddle? Even though I am with my children almost all day long, I spend most of that time telling them what to do. And at the end of the day, I don't want "Hurry up!" to have been the only words my children hear come out of my mouth.
I was so fatigued at that point, I could barely think. I kept telling myself to do what I did in the past: hope for better sleep and push through by going into robot mode (highly efficient, but basically heartless). Then, in a moment of clarity, I caught a glimpse of my future. What will life look like when school starts? Will my children someday tell me, "Mom, I wish you did more with us." Will I be so caught up in "doing" and striving for my high ambitions that I forget WHY I'm doing these things? I have two middle schoolers this year. What if they need to talk? Will I tell them, "Later… later…" I have a feisty one-year-old. What if he gets into trouble? Will I be stressed out and yelling at my children? And the children in the middle? When can I sit with them and read, or play games, or just cuddle? Even though I am with my children almost all day long, I spend most of that time telling them what to do. And at the end of the day, I don't want "Hurry up!" to have been the only words my children hear come out of my mouth.
I am thankful for the Holy Spirit's voice telling me to slow down. I am thankful for my friends who have also made changes to slow down and were encouraging to me as I told them of my decision. I am thankful for my husband's support, and for my precious children's smiles and antics. I still have high ambitions for my children, but having opera singers, or black belts, or champions in anything won't mean a thing to me if I don't have a relationship with my children. Time is more precious than gold. I have six autumns left with my oldest child, and I don't want to waste even one.
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