Instruction, Grace, and Love

Parents have a big role. Just like all humans are born with a God-shaped hole in their souls, children are born with mom-shaped and dad-shaped holes in their hearts. We, the parents, are the only ones who can fill those holes. And we, the parents, in many ways offer our children their first glimpses at the character of God. Not only are we our children's protectors and providers, we are their source of unconditional love.

Which is why criticism from parents can be so painful. The wrong choice of words and the wrong tone can convey to a child, "I don't love you because of this." But then again, if we veer in the other direction-- constant praise for good deeds done-- we can still convey the wrong message, "I love you when you do good things," or "You are perfect and can do no wrong."

And so we must walk the fine line of instructing our children without crushing them, knowing when to show grace and when to show justice with the intent to love, in order to grow them into the adults that God desires for them to be.

There is no how-to for this. Every child, every family, and every situation is unique. The following list can be helpful, but becoming a better parent also requires praying and listening to the Spirit's prompting. Sometimes a child needs to hear, "That was wrong. Let's fix it," and sometimes he/she needs to hear a simple, "It's okay. I still love you." We are, after all, all people in need of a Savior, and all 'works in progress'. And as you will see, none of the suggestions listed below require your child to change, but they do require you to reexamine your heart.

1) Make a list of your child's strengths and weaknesses.

Part of criticism is expecting the other person to be like you (this can happen often in marriage). We assume that the other person thinks, sees, and feels as we do. And when parenting, we naturally want our child to share our interests, our tastes, our talents, and our values. But what if your child is not athletic like you? Or mathematical? Or outgoing? It helps to first clearly see the person God created your child to be. Then, you can appreciate that person, both for his/her strengths and his/her weaknesses. Also, with that understanding, what could slip out of your mouth as a criticism ("Why can't you just understand this?") can be reworded as instruction ("I know math is sometimes hard for you. Let me draw a picture to show you what I mean.")

2) Don't use "absolutes". Don't call your child names. Don't compare.
"Absolutes" are words like "never" and "always". Rarely are statements using "absolutes" true. And calling your child a name makes a judgment on his/her being more than his/her action. If you need to correct a child, choose words that describe what he/she did, not who he/she is. (Example: "You did not tell me the truth." Not "You are a liar.") And lastly, comparing a child to a sibling, another person's child, or even to yourself creates a hierarchy and implies that you love the other person more than your child.

3) Emphasize the learning, and that everyone, including moms and dads, makes mistakes. 
Learning is a process, and how one arrives at the goal is just as important as the goal itself. A perfect test score should be celebrated just as much as a hard night of studying or an improvement from an average score to a better score. And it is true that in life, we all make mistakes from time to time. Allow your child to make his/her share, and call them what they are-- mistakes.

4) Don't jump to conclusions when you see the end result. Try to determine how your child got there.
This one piggy-backs onto #3. Once I found my toddler in the bathroom with toilet paper all over the floor and in the toilet. Seeing the mess made me want to scream, but I knew that my daughter was trying very hard to copy what she had seen her siblings do. A child's logic often works differently from an adult's logic. Try to see life through their eyes. Then take the time to show them how you would like things to be done.

5) Practice loving no matter what. 

It's easy to say, but hard to do. How well do you show unconditional love to your spouse? Your parents? Your siblings? Your neighbors? And do your children hear you say loving words about those people, or complaints and criticisms? If there is a difficult relationship in your life, you maybe be able to talk about it with your child as he/she grows older. "Sometimes it is hard for me to be around your grandfather, but I still try to love him. I forgive him. I help him. I won't leave him be do things by himself." If your child knows that you are treating others with this kind of love, he/she will be confident in your love for him/her.

6) Talk much about grace and forgiveness.

A heart that is truly humble cannot be critical. Acknowledge your own failings. Share stories, if applicable. I was an impatient, short-tempered little girl, and when I see my daughter get impatient or short-tempered, I tell her how I prayed for God to help me, and how I had to learn to control myself. Say "sorry" to your children. Apologize if you slip into 'critical' mode. The best thing you can do is to point your child to his/her Father in heaven, the one who never falls short. Remember:

Which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asked for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:9-11)

and

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17)

Because, though we are a representation of God in the lives of our children, we are still a mere shadow of Him. In all you say and do, turn your child's face to the Creator and Perfecter of our faith. And keep this goal in mind-- that your child will know that though he/she  is a sinner, through God's love and grace he/she can be a new creation.